“I guess sometimes we just have to let ourselves go. Sometimes we just have to abandon ourselves to those feelings. One can’t be up and going all the time. That’s not normal. We’re not fuckin’ robots! A few low points are bound to appear here and there. And maybe, sometimes, not every time for sure, just sometimes, one has to let oneself go, and just dwell in those low points….just to feel the taste of them. Kinda like realizing how low one can get, in order to fully appreciate how high we can go after. Kinda like vacations actually. Working desperately most of the year yearning for those few days off and only because of those days we can appreciate the vacations.”
Nicholas stopped for a moment his current course of reflexion, wondering if he was exaggerating. But he decided that, what the hell, he was not. He was feeling down, period. And nobody knows you when you’re feeling down and out, as the song goes. Or is it?
Anyway, it was indeed a downward spiral of depression, and the trick was to just let oneself go, let oneself go through all the spirals, through all the emotions, but knowing when to stop, and start to do the inverse route.
But in the mean time there seemed to be a dark, sinister, almost sick pleasure in letting oneself drag one's feet trough that downwards path. To just let oneself feel the sadness embracing you and accepting it as your friend, even if temporarily. “Hmm…The Smiths might have some song about this” thought Nicholas, making a mental note to check his discography, alphabetically organized, as it should be, as soon as he arrived home. “Damn, this train ride is taking ages!” he thought again while looking at Harry and Susanne talking without a care in the World with him, and with one another.
Nicholas stopped for a moment his current course of reflexion, wondering if he was exaggerating. But he decided that, what the hell, he was not. He was feeling down, period. And nobody knows you when you’re feeling down and out, as the song goes. Or is it?
Anyway, it was indeed a downward spiral of depression, and the trick was to just let oneself go, let oneself go through all the spirals, through all the emotions, but knowing when to stop, and start to do the inverse route.
But in the mean time there seemed to be a dark, sinister, almost sick pleasure in letting oneself drag one's feet trough that downwards path. To just let oneself feel the sadness embracing you and accepting it as your friend, even if temporarily. “Hmm…The Smiths might have some song about this” thought Nicholas, making a mental note to check his discography, alphabetically organized, as it should be, as soon as he arrived home. “Damn, this train ride is taking ages!” he thought again while looking at Harry and Susanne talking without a care in the World with him, and with one another.
He tried really hard to concentrate, to focus on what they were saying. Most of all he did a titanic effort to shape up and get in tune with them. To join in with them in the silly conversation, and to have the same fun they seemed to be having. But that was the problem. He felt momentarily out of tune. If he was a television set he was sure that right now his screen would be showing one of those nice messages like We are sorry for the inconvenience, but we are not able to establish the broadcast for the time being, due to reasons beyond our responsibility. If that would be possible it would make it easier he guessed. One would only have to show that nice message to everyone, and then one might get a few moments for oneself to get in tune again. He laughed at that idea, of being a walking moving man with a TV set instead of a head. Well, actually he didn’t laugh, but he smiled, and that was enough to trigger a new set of jokes and questions and words comin’ out of Harry and Susanne towards him. They were nice people, and they weren’t to blame about his state of mind. That’s why he was going through a terrific struggle to answer and give them the attention and dedication they deserved.
Of course he was failing miserably. Because the very prolific answers he felt he was giving were in reality a few mumbled “hums”, and the active participation for what he was struggling for, was nothing more than a few smiles and some, too obvious, forced laughs.
“That won’t do”! He thought. “Any time soon they’ll be asking what’s wrong. And, as usual I don’t really know what it is. It’s like being joyfully hopping along a beautiful prairie and suddenly getting caught in this annoying net, restraining your movements. Sometimes you get out of it, other times it’s too tangled, too difficult to unravel and it really drags you down a bit, and probably when that happens the best thing is to play along for a bit, and let yourself go along with it, as anti-social as it may make you look. Sometimes it’s stronger than me! And sometimes when you’re busy sorting it out, you get the wrong kind of attention. Good intentioned attention yes, but not the right kind, I dunno...”
Of course he was failing miserably. Because the very prolific answers he felt he was giving were in reality a few mumbled “hums”, and the active participation for what he was struggling for, was nothing more than a few smiles and some, too obvious, forced laughs.
“That won’t do”! He thought. “Any time soon they’ll be asking what’s wrong. And, as usual I don’t really know what it is. It’s like being joyfully hopping along a beautiful prairie and suddenly getting caught in this annoying net, restraining your movements. Sometimes you get out of it, other times it’s too tangled, too difficult to unravel and it really drags you down a bit, and probably when that happens the best thing is to play along for a bit, and let yourself go along with it, as anti-social as it may make you look. Sometimes it’s stronger than me! And sometimes when you’re busy sorting it out, you get the wrong kind of attention. Good intentioned attention yes, but not the right kind, I dunno...”
It really was a bad case of being out of tune with World and the people.
Sorry! Don't go away! We'll be right back, said the imaginary TV screen head.
Gunther Dünn
2 comentários:
That's another great piece of writing by Gunther Dunn. Thanks for sharing!
I'm glad you like him. :)
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