John took a small sip of his pint, aware of the band playing in the back of the bar. It seemed that they were playing some cover of a Pink Floyd song. “Wish You Were Here” apparently. The band wasn’t that good and he was seating with Carl in the farthest room of the bar, where the sound wasn’t that good either. Anyway, it was his choice, as he needed to talk to Carl, trying to understand him, after that disturbing phone call. They drank a few pints, remembered old times, and old adventures. John felt happy for his friend, but he couldn’t avoid expressing his reflections from the other day. He wanted to grasp the meaning of it all, to understand, if not for Carl, for him too. Learning.
“Well John i understand what you are saying, always the idealistic one right?” said Carl with a prosaic smile, “What can i say? Despite the fact that i don't regret any decisions i made in the past, it became fairly obvious that i've made the wrong ones. Or one, since it takes but one bad decision or one less good to give you an entirely different direction in life. Just a small one. A tiny glitch in the system. A small pebble in the machine. It’s not an easy conclusion, but life forced it into me! Yeah, i know, i'm being somewhat a drama-queen, and maybe exaggerating, but it's only to put things in a different perspective, a new radical one in order to give me support for a new level of sorts!” Carl smiled again and drank his beer all of a sudden. John couldn’t figure out if it was a sad smile, or a simple down to earth, practical smile.
“And”, Carl went on, “despite the fact that i've always strangely believed that my way of life, my way of perceiving the world and the people in it was the correct one (even with several identifiable flaws, here and there), i couldn't help but feeling that it wasn't so and that there are, for sure, other flaws that i wasn't able to identify correctly or even at all. I dunno if i’m getting the point across to you…maybe i need another beer!” They ordered a new round while the band in the back struggled with U2’s ‘Where the Streets Have No Name’.
“Jesus, John”, said Carl laughing, “what a terrible band! Even we sounded better in that old garage in Lombard Street, remember?” He laughed even more.
“Yeah, that’s true” John laughed too, but he was still thinking hard on what he just heard. “Those were great times! We couldn’t play jackshit, not even for our lives, but we did have fun, didn’t we? Where is it all gone?”
“Yes, we did have fun. Where is it all gone? Well, you answered it my friend: it’s gone. As simple as that. We changed, we moved on. It had its time, and eventually things, we as well, moved on. It’s all part of the process remember? We move on, we evolve, some thing are bound to be left behind. It’s called ‘learning’. Knowing ‘we can’t always get what we want’, if you know what i mean…”
“Yeah, yeah”, John replied, “’but if we try we might just find what we need’, i know the song as well!”
“So, that’s more or less it, i’ve decided to let go of all i ‘wanted’ and focused on what i ‘need’. I've clearly realized somewhere along the way what my main goal in life was to be, and fought for it, but it seems now somewhat obvious that this seemingly simple, almost corny, goal was harder to achieve than it looked, maybe i should doubt that it was ever achievable, or maybe i’ve lost the momentum, i dunno. Or most probably, the weapons i had to fight for it were the wrong or inadequate ones. Or maybe i chose the wrong ones. Anyway, i’d say that there was a great deal of naivety in all of that. Again, it’s part of the process to leave that naivety behind. Choices, decisions my friend. They scar you for life, for the good and for the bad.”
John looked to his friend in a moody pensive way. “Yes, that’s true, but do you actually think that you’ve made the wrong ones?”
Carl scratched his head. “Maybe not actually wrong choices per se, but maladjusted, inadequate, not suitable for this world, its people and expectations. A most definitive mistake or failure to perceive life that had the permanet effect of making me somewhat ill prepared to cope with this system. A small glitch like i said. A tiny pebble...something of the likes of the famous butterfly effect...” Carl looked beyond John, trying to find the right words. “So that is it Johnny boy, it’s a ‘adapt and get on with it World’ we live in, so i adapted and moved on. Get with the program. Deal with the cards we have!”
I need another beer damnit”, said John.
“You go ahead and and i’ll join you!”, cheered Carl, “you see, saying i just wasn't made for this world, like Wilson sang – i seem to remember that you used to quote that a lot back in the day, right? -, just doesn't cut it anymore. It runs deeper than this. That essential flaw of perception would get me anytime, anywhere. Once it's here, it's forever it seems. God almighty, they’re butchering ‘Free Bird’ now…we should get up on stage and teach them!
Anyway, that somewhat hidden conviction that i was right and in the good path has somehow fallen off. The golden assurance that i'm worthy, that i deserve what i aimed and strove for is now different somehow. I should've known better. The fact that everyone is heading one way was enough to tip me of my wrong way. I felt kinda out of focus. I’m trying to focus myself back in. I didn't lose sight of that main goal i talked earlier, i just decided to try and get there in a different way, a different path.”
“Very well Carl, a toast then. To us, life and learning. It seems it will never stop. The learning i mean. But i see your logic, i see where you’re trying to get. I was afraid that you were giving something up. I see now i was wrong. Anyway, these are all things that have been floating in my mind for some time now. Funny, how a simple song from Metallica started all of this in me”.
“Metallica John? No my friend. Listen to the Stones. The Stones. So, for old times sake, are we gonna get up on that stage or what? The kids will thank us in the end.”
“Sure Carl, i even know what song we’ll do first.”
“Well John i understand what you are saying, always the idealistic one right?” said Carl with a prosaic smile, “What can i say? Despite the fact that i don't regret any decisions i made in the past, it became fairly obvious that i've made the wrong ones. Or one, since it takes but one bad decision or one less good to give you an entirely different direction in life. Just a small one. A tiny glitch in the system. A small pebble in the machine. It’s not an easy conclusion, but life forced it into me! Yeah, i know, i'm being somewhat a drama-queen, and maybe exaggerating, but it's only to put things in a different perspective, a new radical one in order to give me support for a new level of sorts!” Carl smiled again and drank his beer all of a sudden. John couldn’t figure out if it was a sad smile, or a simple down to earth, practical smile.
“And”, Carl went on, “despite the fact that i've always strangely believed that my way of life, my way of perceiving the world and the people in it was the correct one (even with several identifiable flaws, here and there), i couldn't help but feeling that it wasn't so and that there are, for sure, other flaws that i wasn't able to identify correctly or even at all. I dunno if i’m getting the point across to you…maybe i need another beer!” They ordered a new round while the band in the back struggled with U2’s ‘Where the Streets Have No Name’.
“Jesus, John”, said Carl laughing, “what a terrible band! Even we sounded better in that old garage in Lombard Street, remember?” He laughed even more.
“Yeah, that’s true” John laughed too, but he was still thinking hard on what he just heard. “Those were great times! We couldn’t play jackshit, not even for our lives, but we did have fun, didn’t we? Where is it all gone?”
“Yes, we did have fun. Where is it all gone? Well, you answered it my friend: it’s gone. As simple as that. We changed, we moved on. It had its time, and eventually things, we as well, moved on. It’s all part of the process remember? We move on, we evolve, some thing are bound to be left behind. It’s called ‘learning’. Knowing ‘we can’t always get what we want’, if you know what i mean…”
“Yeah, yeah”, John replied, “’but if we try we might just find what we need’, i know the song as well!”
“So, that’s more or less it, i’ve decided to let go of all i ‘wanted’ and focused on what i ‘need’. I've clearly realized somewhere along the way what my main goal in life was to be, and fought for it, but it seems now somewhat obvious that this seemingly simple, almost corny, goal was harder to achieve than it looked, maybe i should doubt that it was ever achievable, or maybe i’ve lost the momentum, i dunno. Or most probably, the weapons i had to fight for it were the wrong or inadequate ones. Or maybe i chose the wrong ones. Anyway, i’d say that there was a great deal of naivety in all of that. Again, it’s part of the process to leave that naivety behind. Choices, decisions my friend. They scar you for life, for the good and for the bad.”
John looked to his friend in a moody pensive way. “Yes, that’s true, but do you actually think that you’ve made the wrong ones?”
Carl scratched his head. “Maybe not actually wrong choices per se, but maladjusted, inadequate, not suitable for this world, its people and expectations. A most definitive mistake or failure to perceive life that had the permanet effect of making me somewhat ill prepared to cope with this system. A small glitch like i said. A tiny pebble...something of the likes of the famous butterfly effect...” Carl looked beyond John, trying to find the right words. “So that is it Johnny boy, it’s a ‘adapt and get on with it World’ we live in, so i adapted and moved on. Get with the program. Deal with the cards we have!”
I need another beer damnit”, said John.
“You go ahead and and i’ll join you!”, cheered Carl, “you see, saying i just wasn't made for this world, like Wilson sang – i seem to remember that you used to quote that a lot back in the day, right? -, just doesn't cut it anymore. It runs deeper than this. That essential flaw of perception would get me anytime, anywhere. Once it's here, it's forever it seems. God almighty, they’re butchering ‘Free Bird’ now…we should get up on stage and teach them!
Anyway, that somewhat hidden conviction that i was right and in the good path has somehow fallen off. The golden assurance that i'm worthy, that i deserve what i aimed and strove for is now different somehow. I should've known better. The fact that everyone is heading one way was enough to tip me of my wrong way. I felt kinda out of focus. I’m trying to focus myself back in. I didn't lose sight of that main goal i talked earlier, i just decided to try and get there in a different way, a different path.”
“Very well Carl, a toast then. To us, life and learning. It seems it will never stop. The learning i mean. But i see your logic, i see where you’re trying to get. I was afraid that you were giving something up. I see now i was wrong. Anyway, these are all things that have been floating in my mind for some time now. Funny, how a simple song from Metallica started all of this in me”.
“Metallica John? No my friend. Listen to the Stones. The Stones. So, for old times sake, are we gonna get up on that stage or what? The kids will thank us in the end.”
“Sure Carl, i even know what song we’ll do first.”
Gunther Dünn
You can't always get what you want
You can't always get what you want
You can't always get what you want
But if you try sometimes you just might find
You get what you need
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